Mirroring, by mimicking physical posture and movements, is one of many ways to create nonverbal rapport. It is an effective and powerful tool but there are a few pitfalls waiting for the untrained user. Here is an example of a pitfall you can make while mirroring another person and how to avoid it.

When you mirror another person, you may be sucked in to their mood or mindset.

There are several ways to achieve deep nonverbal rapport – like synchronized movements and breathing. But once you have established nonverbal rapport, the trick is to stay in control of your own mood. If you happen to be deeply mirroring someone who is in a funk, the mirroring might make it difficult for you to maintain a good mood and neutrality. In other words, people in crisis can drag you into crisis, too!

This is usually not a big deal when you are with balanced, happy people. It becomes an issue when emotions are especially high or low, like when the other person is in crisis or euphoria. Who hasn’t gotten caught up in a moment of revelry or succumbed to the bad mood of another?

Over the last year, two of my dear friends have experienced life-changing events. On one occasion, I spent an almost an hour listening to a friend vent. He was clearly going through a tough time. For some reason, perhaps because he was a good friend, it did not occur to me to exercise the same degree of mental preparation that I use when working with a client. I was unprepared for the emotional impact it would have on me.

The change was immediate. I began to feel powerless and frustrated. Then I began to feel a little mad. Within two hours I was completely off my game and feeling devastated – like his crisis was happening to me. It was almost like I was experiencing sympathetic symptoms. We had fantastic rapport but it definitely resulted in radically changing my mood. And because I went into his mood instead of bringing him up into mine, it was not a very beneficial conversation for either of us.

Science shows us that posture alone can have an impact on mood and emotion.

According to research, my mood change was easily predictable.  If you adopt a certain posture, it will eventually affect your mood and decision-making.

Also, our mirror neurons help us to develop empathy for other people by activating the parts of our brain that would be working if we were personally having an experience. This is an ancient learning tool that allows us to learn from the experiences of other people.

When you watch someone do something, your brain automatically goes through the motions. You do it in your own mind. So just by engaging and listening, you allow your mind to mentally practice someone else’s experience.

If you happen to be working or negotiating with someone who is in emotional crisis, you want to help them make decisions that they will be happy with later. You will have to establish both verbal and nonverbal rapport with them and then lead them into a better decision-making state or mood. In order to do that, you must be able to control your own emotions.

The Here and Now Anchor is a great tool for maintaining control of your emotions.

One of the tools of Neuro-Linguistic Programming is called the “Here and Now” anchor – a physical bookmark or reminder of one’s state prior to hypnosis. It is a safeguard that will bring someone safely out of a hypnotic state in the event they experience mental distress. I have seen what can happen without this anchor.

When I was 14 years old I attended my mother’s NLP practitioner class, one of the exercises involved a hypnotic regression to childhood experience. Participants worked in groups of two.

In one group, the person guiding the hypnosis forgot to establish a Here and Now anchor on his partner. Unfortunately, his partner revisited a really bad childhood experience. She had identified so deeply with the vivid stories of her mother’s Nazi concentration camp experience that she relived them as her own childhood memories.

She was in serious emotional turmoil. The instructor had to dismiss class so that he could gently bring her back to the present moment. If the anchor had been established, activating it would have brought her out of reliving her memory, easily and quickly.

Use the Here and Now anchor before any important meeting or negotiation. It allows you to reset your mood and reactivate an earlier, better mental state when needed. You can prevent your mood from being changed or thrown off balance while you were with a client who was in emotional distress, working with opposing counsel who bullies, or dealing with difficult people.

This is how to build a Here and Now anchor:

Be aware and present in your body, conscious of your surroundings, feelings, etc…Pay attention to you. In that moment of awareness, say to yourself, “I am here (in my car in the parking lot, Houston, TX). I am now (November 15, 2011 – 2:54pm, about to go into this meeting). I will return to this state when I recall this moment and when I pinch my earlobe twice, like this: (pinch your earlobe). I will remember to do this if my emotional state or physiology begin to be uncomfortable or too different from this state that I am in now.”

After you have established your safety net and ticket back to sanity, it will be easier and safer for you to establish rapport with people who are experiencing negative emotions. You will be able to guide the other person into a better state because you will be able to get back out. It is also a great idea to create a Here and Now anchor that is also a Peak Performance State – but that is for another post.

Stay tuned! In the next installment we will discuss how to break rapport with people who have become too attached.

Happy Negotiating!

Nancy

We Need To Talk About Rapport....

The Pitfalls of Nonverbal Rapport – Pt. 1

Who hasn’t heard about the magical power of achieving good nonverbal rapport?

Nonverbal communication constitutes easily half or more of your communications to others. It can be achieved many ways – from tonality and physical likeness to ethnicity and common hobbies to postural mirroring and even mimicking of accents. And it is powerful. Unfortunately, some of the subtle nuances of nonverbal rapport that are gained through early interaction may be lost in the technology age.

Learning how to achieve nonverbal rapport may soon be a mostly learned skill – for those who recognize the value of it. Luckily, there is a lot of research going on in the area of emotion and behavior that can be used to generate better and more elegant nonverbal rapport.

Mirroring, including postural mimicry, can be an especially good way of building rapport. In fact, in a recent study, researchers  found that physical mimicry lessened the affects, perhaps even permanently, of implicit prejudice. This is a big deal because implicit prejudice, beliefs, and behaviors are acquired without our knowledge and stored in long-term memory. They are like root programs running outside of conscious awareness. Both beneficial and non-beneficial beliefs at this level are deeply ingrained and acted on as truth. Changing them often takes effort so any new way of altering implicit prejudices is a real breakthrough.

If you think you don’t have implicit prejudices, check this out.  Implicit prejudices are not all bad. They help to define in-group from out-group. It helps us to better know who we are and who our people are. It can also be very handy information for the negotiator.

Many social, implicit prejudices are so cultural that they are subtly reinforced in the media and constitute deeply rooted beliefs for a large portion of the population. In fact, if you have not given much thought to your own ideas of in-group and out-group, society’s views will likely be your default.

So now we have even more evidence of the power mirroring or mimicking. It makes you want to go try it out, doesn’t it? Not so fast….

When done well, mirroring is a great way to build nonverbal rapport. It helps to create feelings of trust and familiarity between the parties. It is a very useful tool negotiation. But can it get you in trouble?

You bet.

Several things can happen. Here are a few of them.

• No Style – you can be clumsy and irritate people instead of making friends.
• Courting the Enemy – you may mirror the wrong person in front of other people and pay the price socially.
• Reflecting What They Don’t Want To See – you might inadvertently mirror unwanted or rejected aspects of the other person.
• In Too Deep – you can get sucked into the emotional state of another, especially when you are working with someone in crisis.
• Creating An Unwanted Attachment.

In this post, we will look at the first three pitfalls since they all involve things that generally happen when rapport is first initiated. In the following posts, we will look at a few of the more treacherous pitfalls and discuss a few ways of safeguarding against some of the unwanted outcomes of building rapport.

Here are three pitfalls that can ruin rapport building at the very beginning and a few things you can do to avoid them….

No Style

You can be too bold with mirroring – but that is determined case-by-case. I have seen blatant, obvious, over-the-top mimicry succeed undetected by the other person. You often see that in sales and smart people only fall for it once. After that, they are wary of being scammed. However, it can be done well by someone skilled….

In 1987 I went to Houston for a seminar with Dr. Richard Bandler. It was a small group.  One night we all wanted to see the town together but the group was too big for a cab. The hotel had an airport shuttle but said we could only go from the hotel to a single destination. We agreed.

When we got into the van, Dr. Bandler began building rapport with the driver by mimicking the driver’s thick Texas accent. It was a surprise to all of us – especially after hearing him talk all day! At 17, I was fighting giggles. The tactic seemed obnoxious to us but it worked like a charm.

Dr. Bandler mimicked with style. Since he started the conversation with the accent, the driver didn’t even notice. Dr. Bandler was immediately accepted as an in-group fellow. Needless to say, we saw Houston. We drove around for hours. Great rapport ended up getting us a tour of town.

When you are using mirroring as a rapport tool, take your time. Watch and listen to the other person first. Start with small, subtle mirroring movements. For instance, if the other person crosses their legs at the knee, wait a minute or two before repositioning and crossing your legs at the ankle. You get the idea.

If the other person notices that you are you mirroring them, you have undermined communication. It will likely be much harder to establish any kind of rapport with them. They may perceive any further efforts to establish rapport as manipulation.

If you do get caught or notice that they are on to you, stop trying to get rapport and just be yourself. They will likely move on, too. If they point it out, let them know that you are a little bit nervous because the meeting/communication/etc…is very important to you. You were making an extra effort to establish good rapport to help things go smoothly. Then stop trying to get rapport and just be yourself.

Courting the Enemy

Tales of turncoats go back for centuries and it always starts with an ambassador who gets publicly friendly with the other side. People are wired to be wary of the teacher’s pet, the boss’s confident, and people who hang out with people who are known to be unscrupulous. It’s bad form to get too close to the bad guys – at least in front of other people.

In other words, if you mirror an undesirable in an attempt to build rapport with them, your reputation with onlookers may be imperiled. You don’t have to align with anybody really bad, either. In a recent study, people who were observed mirroring an unfriendly interviewer were rated to have low general competence, trustworthiness and likeability. The video reviewers were not instructed to look for mimicry and the results were the same even when the interviewer in the videos was blurred. It was the physical alignment that made the difference.

About the only way to get around this is to limit rapport building in public to verbal only. You could also do any nonverbal rapport on an energetic level. One way is to practice generating what Carl Rogers called unconditional acceptance for people. When you do that, they feel safe and you have accepted them without condoning or condemning. They are who they are, and that’s OK.

Rogers believed that a therapist could not render good client service unless they were able to set aside their own beliefs of right and wrong. By attaining a mindset of unconditional acceptance for the patient, the therapist could make the patient feel at ease, be more objective, and give better service – without creating too strong of a bond with the patient.

Reflecting What They Don’t Want To See

This one is a little tricky because sometimes it is hard to tell when someone has very low self-esteem or harbors self-hate. If they do, you may have more credibility not being like them. This situation may be the basis for the old adage that “familiarity breeds contempt”.

People who don’t like themselves generally feel safe with their in-group but also hold equals in distain. If you are like them, and they reject themselves, they may reject you, too. You will be accorded as much respect as they think they deserve – and that might not be much.

Pay attention to people and ask questions. Listen to them. Ask them about accomplishments and see how they act talking about themselves. Pay them a sincere compliment or show appreciation and see if they accept it, make a snarky remark, or downplay it. Responses like that can be revealing.

If you discover that you are dealing with someone who is obviously self-destructive or has obviously low-self esteem, practice unconditional acceptance. Accept them without creating the familiarity and try not to build likeness or familiarity between you. You want them to feel safe. You do not need to come across as an equal to do that.

Are you a rapport master like Dr. Bandler? If you are going to use mirroring or mimicry, be good at it. Learn about it. Become a master.

There are a few books available in the Negotiation Ninja Store that I highly recommend – The Magic of Rapport by Jerry Richardson, Persuasion Engineering by Bandler and La Valle, and Beyond Selling Bagley and Reese.

Next up, what to do to avoid taking on someone’s emotional state when you are mirroring – and what to do if it happens.

Until next time, happy rapport building!

Nancy

PS – If you want to learn this information and really master it, check out Negotiation Ninja coaching. You will learn exactly what you need to know to reach your negotiation or communication goals – fast.

Welcome Ninjas!

Got class?

Today I read an article about a scientific study showing that high social status makes people more trusting. It brought to mind several other resources I had seen on status and authority – so I went digging. It turns out that there are more than a few ways that high social status creates authority in communication and negotiation. Of course, authority in negotiation can be achieved in so many ways – seniority, education, rank within an organization, physical stature and attractiveness…but high social status? How can you even quantify that? It’s relative.

But wait! We don’t have social classes in America, do we? It’s debatable. When social scientists talk about class, there are many variables – education, income, childhood socioeconomic circumstances, rank, etc….And these variables will also change according to self-esteem and geographical location. In other words, when a high status individual from a small town encounters a high status individual from a larger town, who defers? Who gets to be the big fish?

What is never debatable is that great rapport leads to great communication and negotiation. Every little bit of rapport skill helps. Every bit of information and understanding of other people helps. And while the perception of social status is largely subjective, it still influences the way you relate to people whom you perceive to be of higher or lower status. Isn’t it better to understand how someone may be relating to you (or you to others) because of perceived class differences?

Class and status are getting more scientific attention right now. This is probably because the current job market is creating situations in which people of different age groups, cultures, and socioeconomic backgrounds are working together more closely than ever. Differences in values can create serious problems in decision making and the chain of command, especially when so many people are losing status and taking jobs that are beneath their previous employment. As attorneys and negotiators, you regularly encounter people from a variety of social backgrounds. You can take advantage of these new scientific findings to build better relationships with clients and negotiation partners.

Keep in mind that the scientific research findings are by no means definitive. People are ever changing. However, the science of status can help you to understand a little bit more about yourself and the people around you. Understanding the social class structure may also become a useful tool developing even deeper rapport with people.

Here is a glimpse of some of the research being published on the subject of social status….

When someone believes that they are of higher status than the other person, they are likely to:

• Be more trusting of the other person.
• Being trusting, in turn, will make them a better lie detector.
• Pay less attention to the the other person and be less generous toward them than they would someone of equal or higher social status.
• Value curiosity, self-expression, independent thinking, tolerance of differences, happiness, self-control, trust, and consideration of others.

If someone is upper class, they might have trouble recognizing the emotions of others. They are more self-sufficient and do not need to rely on the help of others or bother establishing rapport. In addition, upper class people have a tendency to be distracted during conversations with people whom they perceive to be of a lower class. They are more likely to fidget, doodle, and gaze around the room during conversation.

When someone believes that they are of lower status, they are likely to:

• Respond faster to someone of higher status than they would to someone of equal or lower status.
• Make eye contact, nod their head in conversation.
• Be eager to establish rapport – because they may be accustomed to seeking support.
• Have difficulty leading others.
• Abuse power.
• Value obedience, strong punishment of deviant behaviors, strict leadership, the belief that people are basically untrustworthy, and blind respect for authority.

These are just a few of the class tendencies I uncovered in a short amount of time. There is certainly a wealth of information regarding status – social and otherwise – that can be tapped to create better rapport and therefore better negotiated deals. Look into it on your own. Discover your class and make adjustments so that you can more easily communicate with other people of higher or lower class.

Here are a few resources for discovering and managing the perception of your status – whatever it is….

Class – A Guide Through The American Status System by Paul Fussell. I read this book a long time ago, (it came out in 1983) and this guy minces no words. It is a witty, on-the-mark, sometimes scathing assessment of American culture. It’s pretty funny too. Some of it is a bit dated now but definitely worth a read. Also, this book is still hitting nerves, and it is quite fun and informative to read the reviews on Amazon and other websites.

Class Matters - This is a very thorough special section done by the New York Times in 2005. It is current and even goes into details of class division such as health, longevity, marriage, education, etc….

People Like Us – a PBS movie and interactive website with a quiz!

That should be enough to keep you all busy for a while. If you are a real zealot, I have references for the information in this post. Email me and I’ll hook you up.

Have a great weekend, and let me know how you use this information!

Nancy

Dear Readers,

It’s been a busy August and I am just putting the final touches on the book. I can’t wait to unveil it!

If you don’t already know, I have been working on a book about accelerated learning techniques that enable you to take in more information, faster and better than you ever have before. Anyone who negotiates knows that having the right information – and understanding it – is power at the bargaining table.

And who doesn’t struggle with information? Most people take in vastly more information than they can process with their current learning tools. It can be hard to do your best work when you are overwhelmed with too much information. If you have to get up to speed on a new project or are dealing with several issues simultaneously, even keeping up can seem impossible. It can lead to stress and even burnout!

And you must be creative in order to be competitive in your career. It’s the ultimate catch 22 – being too busy to be creative will prevent you from getting the choice clients, good deals and from getting ahead.

This book is easy-to-read and full of powerful, stand-alone techniques from Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Emotional Freedom Technique and other, powerful genius learning modalities. More than that, I have included the most up-to-date scientific research supporting these techniques.

These techniques enable you to literally turbo charge your brain, increase your ability to focus, learn more and unlock complete access to your information when you need it. You will learn how to manage and control your own learning abilities. You will learn to access your creativity and use it as a time saving tool.

It’s written in easy to understand language so that you can put the techniques to work right away. This book is for everybody.

However, the first release has been tailored to lawyers because with this information, I would go to law school (debt and all) all over again – right now, in this economy.

If I were entering law school now without this information I would be scared. The outlook is bleak. Entering law students must have other motives besides money – they must have a passion to make a difference. With these techniques, law students can get the advantage they need to excel in their area of interest and make that difference.

I want to support the upcoming lawyers and hope that, in the process, some of them go on to be leaders who can think with their whole brain, make better decisions, create innovative solutions and encourage accelerated learning in schools.

It’s almost done!

More coming soon!

To your success!

Nancy

Hello Friends!

It has been a very busy month here at Negotiation Ninja! July has been full of finalizing book edits and getting the citations done. We are almost ready to go to print, and I am very excited about it.

Over the last two weeks I have been traveling. I went to Austin to Pat O’Bryan’s “Unseminar9”.  It was 3 days of learning to market on the Internet. I learned SO much in just a few days!

I also went to New Orleans and had pastries and coffee with some friends.

They were studying (cramming!) for the bar exam

There were several law students at the coffee shop studying for the bar exam on Monday, July 25, 2011. After hearing what my book was about, one gentleman asked me what helpful advice or techniques I could give just 4 days before the exam.

On the spot I showed him a technique called “noise removal breathing” that originated with Dr. Win Wenger. It goes like this:

Noise removal breathing

Deep breathing is a good way to calm the central nervous system – especially if done with closed eyes.  Dr. Win Wenger’s “Noise Removal Breathing” goes a step further with visualization.  Here is a short, quick version…

Close your eyes and imagine that dry leaves (metaphors for tiredness, toxins, fears, worries, and stray thoughts) have accumulated in your legs and body. Take a long, deep breath all the way from your toes, and with your breath visualize the leaves floating up… up… up with it… Exhale strongly from your mouth, blowing the leaves out like burning sparks or fireworks.

But I could have told them more…

After we left, I couldn’t stop thinking about the people studying at the coffee shop – what else could I have told them? I stopped back by on my way out of town and added to what I had told them earlier. This is what I told them after discovering that they had all been studying “full-tilt” since early spring…

1. Stop cramming! At this point in the game you know all that you are likely to know, and your ability to pass the bar exam rests more on your ability to recall what you already know. You can enhance your recall by relaxing, getting good sleep, and eating well. Below are some specifics…

2. Play, exercise or treat yourself. Don’t “party” but do something fun (without alcohol! More on that later.). Get a massage. Go to the movies. Go swimming with friends. Go shopping.

Do something to get your blood flowing and help you relax. Just taking a walk can drastically improve your cognition. A light workout (one that will not result in soreness) will have the same effect.

3. Sleep! Sleep is one of the best ways to allow your mind to sort, file, synthesize and process learned information into something useful. Get as much as you can and…

4. Get on the bar exam schedule. Today is Saturday, and if you have been staying up late studying and sleeping late, you will be dangerously out of synch with the timing of the bar exam on Monday.

In other words, if you think you can magically fall asleep early on Sunday night and awaken refreshed Monday morning, you may be in for an unpleasant surprise. Go to bed early tonight and wake up really, really early on Sunday so that by 8pm Sunday night, you are ready to sleep like a bear in winter.

Here are some ways to naturally enhance sleep:

• Exercise!
• Turn the AC way down,
• Avoid caffeine after noon,
• Turn off the phone, tv, and computer at around 3pm.

5. Cut down on sugar. Back off the Coke. Try to avoid candy, white bread, beer or other alcohol. If you want to have better recall and endurance, you must stabilize your blood sugar so that you do not experience “peaks and valleys” while you are taking the exam.

Instead, eat clean (unprocessed, un-prepackaged), fresh, homemade food. Nuts are a great snack to take with you for the exam. Protein bars are good, too, but check the sugar content because some of them are as bad as eating a Snickers bar. Cutting sugar also means cutting alcohol. Save it and party after the exam is over – trust me, you will!

6. Drink a lot of water. Your brain will be working overtime and will need the extra hydration. In addition, if you are going to type your exam on a word processor, you will need both extra water and vitamin C. New research shows that prolonged exposure to a computer screen can cause corneal stress that can be prevented with vitamin C. See: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2787304/

7. Be careful. This may go without saying, but take it easy this weekend and take care of yourself.

• Stay away from trying a “new” sport.
• Avoid buffets and only eat fresh food (because it would really suck to have food poisoning or even a stomach ache during the bar exam!).
• Wait until after the exam to have any sort of potentially emotionally charged “talk” with an important someone because charged emotions can disrupt sleep and concentration (among other things).

If I were taking the bar exam on Monday, I would spend the rest of this weekend in a hammock or lounge chair. I would vividly imagine the elated feeling of getting my notification of passing the bar. I would be envisioning my reward – maybe a trip to the beach or some new gadget.

Rest your brain. You have been studying all summer and know this stuff! You can do it!!!

Sending you lots of “Passing The Bar Exam” Energy,

Nancy

PS – GOOD LUCK!!!

It’s been a great spring here at Negotiation Ninja and now Memorial Day is upon us.  Time with family and friends is always the perfect time to enhance your negotiation skills by practicing on people who will probably love you anyway.

Here is a useful little tidbit to play with this holiday weekend… This information is powerful and will help you navigate the many power and control issues that inevitably arise when families get together…

The Study

This relatively simple study has articulated what many seasoned negotiators know instinctively.  Now you can put this knowledge to work for you in life and in negotiation.

Researchers have discovered that two types of control – power and personal choice – are interchangeable [i].

The researchers found that if someone is satisfied with the amount of control they have over their own circumstances, and have choices and options, they do not seek to exert power over other people.  And why would they?

Choice

People with an array of personal choices and the ability to control their own destiny are probably too happy to care about pushing other people around.  They have little reason to exert power and control over other people.

Power

Conversely, someone who is deprived of choice, options, and control over their own circumstances will attempt to exert power over others.  This, of course, makes perfect sense.  Someone who has no choices, no options, and lives life according to someone else’s rules would likely feel cornered and seek to exert power and control over anything.

Another caveat is that the idea of “choice” is subjective.  Keep in mind that while many options might be available to someone, they might not be the “right” options and therefore cause a power scramble.

What comes to mind is a boss, politician or leader – they have different options while in office than out of office/position.  If those options prove to be unsatisfying, they might begin to abuse the power they DO have.

Effects

The study also found that people who felt like they had less (or no) power would go to great lengths, spend more time, travel further, and make greater sacrifices in order to gain more options.  Marketers and sales representatives play on this all of the time and now we know exactly what they are doing – and can use it too.

People, especially those with little want options.  They are looking for choices. This makes it easier for you to introduce them.

How to use this information

Know Thyself

How about you? Take some time and identify areas of your life in which you feel like you have plenty of options and choices and those in which you do not.

Assess areas of your life in which you feel the need to (or just daydream about) exert power over others. Can you imagine options or choices that would allow you to release the need or desire to exert power over others?

Knowing these things about yourself will make it more difficult for other people to exploit them as “chinks in your armor” during negotiation.  It will help you to identify some of the beliefs that can lead to behaviors that are detrimental to negotiation – like the need for power and ego-driven decisions.

It will also give you an opportunity to open up options in areas in which you feel relatively powerless and release the unnecessary stress that accompanies the ongoing need to accumulate power and exert it over other people.

Know Others

This new understanding sheds some light on why people grasp for power – and it is really useful information for negotiation.  If people have options, they do not seek to assert power over others.  If they are deprived of options, they do.  It would seem that options are more important than power.

Knowing this, if you experience a power monger in negotiation, you have an idea where that behavior might be coming from.  They may be grasping for power because of a perceived lack of options in some aspect of the negotiation.  It’s a clue for you to investigate.

It might signal that you are their only (or best) option.  It might signal that the deal is a make-or-break one for their company.

Get Creative!

Wake up your creative mind – your whole brain – and come up with some options!

Knowing how to access your creativity AND activate other people toward new solutions is a huge asset in negotiation. Oftentimes you get so mired down in the particulars of a negotiation (even those at the dinner table!) that you lose the focus on interests and solutions.

When power struggles show up in negotiation, use your creative mind to design novel approaches to problems and open up new potential solutions.  You might even be able to prevent impasse or other fear/ego/no-choices driven power struggles at the negotiation table.

How?  Rapport. Questions.

Introducing options to a power-driven negotiation partner can be tricky.  It has to be done in a way that doesn’t threaten their perceived power in any way.  Rapport skills are the key.

In order to find those options, you will likely need more information.  In order to get that new information in a way that doesn’t seem like an interrogation you need good rapport skills (more on that later).

If you are new to the art of rapport and want to get started learning more, here are two of my favorite books on the subject:

“The Magic Of Rapport” by Jerry Richardson.

“How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.

In order to prompt creativity and introduce new solutions without seeming to take away power from your negotiation partner, you will also need to know how to ask open-ended questions that identify the interests of the other party.

Open-ended questions encourage discussion because they cannot readily be answered with one word or phrase.  They get the conversation going.  Here are a few examples of open-ended questions that can help you to get the information you need in order to introduce new options to a power-hungry negotiation partner…

“What is the most important aspect of ____ from your point of view?”

“What would happen if_____…?”

“How did you decide to_____…?”

“Can you please explain the process for_____…?”

“How did you get involved in____…?”

“What prompted you to seek our services?”

“How would your situation be different if_____…?”

My upcoming book, Super Learning Secrets, is full of innovative and easy ways to tap into your creative abilities. In the meantime try using the questioning methods and see what happens.  You will be surprised how well they work!

So go forth into the weekend and try some of this new knowledge.  See if you can’t be the person that keeps the holiday running smoothly!

Happy Memorial Day (in the U.S.)

Nancy

So you received your law school acceptance letter! Congratulations!

Now what?

It came in the mail and you are probably overjoyed, but it’s a little scary too, isn’t it?

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately about the student loan debt you are about to accrue. Current statistics show that it will likely be really high.

But you already know about that.

Statistics show that if you aren’t in the top of your class at a Top 10 law school, you will likely have trouble getting a job – especially one that will help you pay back those oppressive student loans.

But you already know that.

People who read the negative press might be causing you to question the desirability of a law degree, saying it’s just like any other degree now…it is not. It is a very impressive accomplishment.

But you already know that.

More than likely, you have other reasons to
want to go to law school.

Social impact

Some law students want to make a positive difference in an area close to their heart. Because they understand the law, attorneys have a natural “in” to politics and positions of power. They have an easier time navigating the system and making beneficial changes in areas that matter to them – like elder law, disability law, intellectual property law, environmental law and about anything else you can imagine.

By the numbers, over half of the presidents of the Unites States of America have been lawyers. Roughly 43% of the U.S. Congress and about 37% of the U.S. House of Representatives are made up of lawyers. And the Supreme Court, well…that’s a given.

Lawyers have a definite advantage in the “making a difference” department. Of course, it’s all up to the person.

Prestige

Some people are after the prestige of a law degree. A Juris Doctor is indeed an impressive degree. Regardless of whether a person commands the degree of authority available is up to them.

Downplay it at your leisure, but remember – there are no “easy” law schools. There are no “easy” bar exams. If you make it through law school and pass the bar exam, it is a major accomplishment.

Completing law school shows you have the ability to tough it out and tackle a very difficult curriculum. It shows that you are ambitious. It shows that you care, at least to some degree, about the structure of our society and the laws that reinforce and frame our way of life – and make freedom possible.

To “Get It”

Some people want a law degree so that they can better manage their lives. Consider how beneficial it is for someone growing a business or a brand to understand their own contracts, the laws concerning their business, and know how to use their lawyers effectively.

Think about how much more power it gives them as a negotiator.

Family Business

This is a fantastic reason to get a law degree. There is nothing like carrying on the established family business. The business is established and a decent living is virtually assured. Of course, that comes with another set of required navigational tools.

Family can be counted upon to present us with our most challenging negotiations. Your new law degree and entry into the family practice will stir up the status quo. It might cause some uneasiness with other, unrelated attorneys in the practice.

Knowing how to negotiate will help you navigate the pecking order, establish trust, and negotiate effectively for what you want – even if you are negotiating with a parent or sibling. Knowing how to think creatively can help you improve the practice and lead your family business into a more prosperous state.

The Money

It’s true. Some people go into law for the money. Truthfully, that reason is practically out of (immediate) reach to most new law graduates. But it’s not a bad reason…

Still, there has to be something more, or you might end up hating your job while you struggle to pay off student loans. That has been happening a lot – but you already know that.

The bottom line is affected by the bottom line. To be truly happy you have to have the money to support yourself and have a passion for your work. That’s the recipe for true success.

You Can Love Your Job And Make A Good Living!

Negotiation Ninja can show you the tools and teach you the skills to do both. Here you will find those essential elements it takes to get into your game, find your niche, fulfill your dream, make a difference and do it with some degree of financial security.

These are the tools that you need to help you navigate what are usually the toughest parts of becoming and being a lawyer AND ending up where you want to be – not in a job you dread going to every day but in a job you LOVE.

Get the tools and skills you need to kick ass in law school and have a life. These same tools will help you to spank the bar exam, land a job you love and manage your career (and life) so that you make headway toward your goals, fast.

Negotiation Ninja has a coaching class coming up soon that will help you manage information and tap into your creative genius!

Sign up right now for:

Class I – Genius Learning – Clarity & Super Learning Secrets. Starting June 1, 2011!

Spring Into Change!

Spring is a time of spring-cleaning, graduations, weddings, and newness.  Though it never occurred to me before, even good change can be stressful – and needs to be handled with a little bit of change management!

Let me explain…

I’m finishing up my book about accelerated learning and decided to offer a special gift for people who sign up for advanced notice of publication.  This special bonus is about about how to stop, reverse, and turn around overwhelm meltdown.

The upcoming book is designed to teach people to how learn faster and manage information overwhelm.  So it seemed like a good idea to address the overwhelm meltdown aspect as well.  It sometimes happens to people who are working toward big goals AND balancing the rest of life too.

As I was writing, my mother sent me a book about crisis management.  Though it was more about handling “major” crisis, it was a great read and on point for me.

It showed me that my own observations and suggestions for resolution of overwhelm meltdown were accurate.  I also learned something really valuable: even “good” change can cause extra stress that can lead to overwhelm meltdown.

Who knew?

According to researchers Holmes and Rahe “Life Change Index Scale” (LCIS), marriage is more stressful than being fired from your work; taking out a big loan (as for a house, etc…) is more stressful than foreclosure; and major personal achievement is more stressful than “empty nest” stress.  It’s time to rethink stressors!

So why does this matter?

It can have a major impact on your health.  One study found that the LCIS enabled researchers to accurately predict how many and which Marine and Navy personnel would be in sick bay on a 6-month cruise.  Another study used the LCIS to accurately predict player’s injuries during a football season.

The message for people working toward big goals is this: use change management techniques to mitigate the stress from predictable change so that the unpredictable changes don’t throw you for a loop.

How can you do that?

One way is to spend time each day thinking about how things will be different and what life will be like after you achieve your goal.  Begin to create familiar feelings about the upcoming, changed, situation.

Don’t limit this exercise to your goals.  If there are other things going on (marriage, graduation, holidays, baby on the way, diet change…), spend time doing the same thing for them.

This simple exercise is called “Future Pacing” in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and it has many benefits.  It helps you become familiar with new circumstances before they are realized.  It also helps you to recognize kinks in the plan and things you can do to ease the transition for yourself and for people around you.

What I do

I write down my current stressors, any upcoming events, and any goals I am working on.  For each one, I write my “best-case scenario” (BCS) and visualize or imagine my desired outcome.

If it is easy to imagine my BCS, I move on the next item.  If it is difficult to visualize (hazy, dim, or distant), or I can’t imagine what the achievement would feel like, I investigate.

Maybe part of me doesn’t believe it is possible. Maybe there are outside factors to consider.  Maybe my BCS needs to be re-worked.

Whatever the case, I make adjustments until it’s easy to imagine my BCS for each item.  If time allows, I create more than one BCS just to remind myself to be flexible.

Life keeps us on our toes.  There will be stress, good and bad – especially for people who are always pursuing the next worthy goal!

By mitigating stress from the “known” stressors, we can lighten the effect of those surprise stressors that come along from time to time.  Start using a little change management in everyday life and it will be easier to roll with whatever life dishes out!

Cheers and Happy Spring!

Nancy

How can you negotiate well with someone you don’t like?

How can an attorney still do a good job when they have emotionally turned against their client?

This question has been on my mind since watching one of those cooking competition shows the other day. The last two contenders couldn’t have been more different.

One was calm, professional, focused, and quiet – and working, literally, one handed because of an injury.  The other was an obnoxious showboat – an inconsiderate bully with a holier than thou spiel about fatherhood.

Even the judges were rolling their eyes about the latter.  You couldn’t help but pull for the valiant, one-handed contestant.  I found myself not only wanting to see the one-handed contestant win but also hoping to see the other guy lose…

The obnoxious guy won though.  They do that sometimes.

Afterwards I couldn’t help thinking about the people who will run across that guy in negotiations.  He’s out there and he certainly negotiates.  How would you handle a negotiation with him?

With people like that, negotiation is a game and they will likely use tried and true bully techniques and verbal attacks – we’ll talk more about that next week.

Most seasoned mediators and negotiators could handle a guy like that.  They know how to handle difficult people, but what about despicable people?  Sometimes you have to negotiate with them too!

What about the REAL jerks?

Tree at Toomers the morning after winning National Championship

Tree at Toomer's getting rolled after winning National Championship

For example…

So far three attorneys have withdrawn from representing Harvey Updyke Jr. a/k/a “Al From Dadeville”.  He’s the University of Alabama fan who bragged about poisoning the two beautiful, 130 year old live oak trees that anchor Auburn University’s victory tradition.

On a radio show in January 2011, he admitted to poisoning the trees in November – and was pleased with himself for doing so.  Still unrepentant, when he was released on bail, he gave the TV cameramen the “bird”.

Conflicts of interest were cited in every attorney withdrawal.  It makes sense because, here in Alabama, it’s hard to avoid affiliation with one school or the other.  Not to mention that representing this guy could seriously jeopardize an Alabaman’s law practice and reputation.

John Carroll, dean of the Cumberland School of Law at Samford University, commented that three withdrawals in a row seemed excessive.  He further noted. “It’s not only whether or not you have an actual conflict of interest; it’s also whether you and the client can get along.”

So even if they bring in counsel from another state, one with no affiliations with either school, that counsel will still be dealing with a difficult, unlikable client.  They will still be dealing with an unrepentant tree killer who flips off the press…

Legal representation is often one, long negotiation between attorney and client.  They work closely together and need to communicate well.  How can you negotiate well with someone you don’t like – or worse, find despicable?  Here are a few ways that come to mind:

Look for something, anything in the other person that you can congruently like, respect, appreciate or commend.

In his book “Infuence: The Psychology Of Persuasion”, Dr. Cialdini talks about the power of “Liking”.  Indeed, it is a very powerful negotiation and rapport tool.  Most people think that it means getting them to like you.  While that certainly helps, liking the other person can be even more powerful as a negotiation tool.  It disarms the other party and validates their need to be liked and appreciated.

Everybody has something good going on in his or her personality or life.  Even if you can’t see it, even if it happened a long time ago, everyone has done something positive.

Maybe they are a good parent.  Maybe they are good at their work.  Maybe they are active in some community effort.  Maybe they just haven’t caused as much trouble as they could have (this is almost always the case!).

If you can find just one positive thing to focus on, you will begin to elicit better behaviors from the person with whom you are negotiating.  If you have ever had to pull a frayed shoelace through a grommet by one single thread, you have the general idea.  Find that one thing and work it until you sense a shift in attitude.

If you can’t do that, try this:  Unconditional Acceptance.

Years ago my acting professor said that good theater helped people to “willingly suspend their perception of reality” so that they could fully experience the fantasy of good theater.  Life can be pretty good theater that can sometimes benefit from a “willing suspension of reality”… When nothing else works, that reality suspension can help you get the job done.

The late, great humanist Dr. Carl Rogers advocated using Unconditional Positive Regard to help patients express themselves more fully during therapy.  He encouraged therapists to unconditionally accept and support their patients, regardless of what the person said or did.  In other words he encouraged them to accept the patient and suspend judgment about the patient’s value or worth as a person.

Dr. Carl Rogers

Unconditional Positive Regard creates an environment that helps people take responsibility for their actions and grow emotionally.  Basically, it’s about accepting and valuing a person despite any perceived failings – always keeping in mind that there is good in everyone.

This is a very powerful negotiation tool!

The positive regard part might be hard for most mortals, so acceptance seems an easier route.  What that entails is accepting the person for who they are and accepting that their act was congruent with their personality.

When you use unconditional acceptance with someone (a coworker, negotiation partner, client) you tacitly give them permission to drop any façade they may be using and reveal their true feelings in a safe environment.  You validate their experience and help them to feel more comfortable sharing information with you.

In the case of bullies, jerks, and Al From Dadeville, it may open the door to some of their more redeeming qualities.  Finding and focusing on those better qualities can help an attorney or negotiator willingly do their job – and do a better job.

Try these techniques over the weekend and let me know the results!

How do the people around you react to you differently when you actively suspend judgment (even about small stuff) and accept them without condition?

Happy Friday and Happy Negotiating!

Nancy

“All you have to do is ask.” “You should have just asked!”

“It can’t hurt to ask…”

The truth is, a lot of people are afraid to ask! How can you get what you want if you can’t even ask?

Not long ago I overheard a conversation at the airport. Girl A told Girl B that she had just made a difficult phone call. Girl A was apparently a graduate student. She explained to Girl B that one of her professors had arranged for his wife to teach her how to cook a special Thai dish. He gave her the phone number and told her that his wife was expecting her call. She said it took her 2 weeks to get up the nerve to call a stranger.

2 weeks!

I know people who would never hesitate to pick up the phone and call the Pope – and they might even get through to him. I know other people who would rather go hungry than send a dish back to the kitchen at a restaurant.

Most people fall somewhere in the middle. Indeed, some questions are easier to ask. “Will you marry me?” is a lot harder than asking for a hotel room up-grade.

You have To Ask

You are constantly asking for what you want or need. It is how you navigate life. It’s how everyone navigates life. And since most people are preoccupied with their own lives, you usually have to ask for what you want.

Really, how many treats would your dog get if he didn’t ask? But dogs ask!

In fact, they sniff out what they want, and then they are “dogged”; they “hound” you and “dog” you until they get what they want. What keeps people from being more like dogs?

3 Things That Keep You From Asking.

Have you ever lay awake in bed with a “worst-case scenario” movie running rampant in your mind? Those vivid, internal movies will repeat over and over until sleep is impossible.

It’s Negative Fortune Telling. When you focus on the worst-case scenario, you prepare for it.

Can you imagine what would happen to an Olympic athlete who stayed up late the night before competition envisioning failure? They would NOT want to compete the next day!  And if they did compete, do you think they would do very well?

In truth, anything could happen. None of us is qualified to predict the future. Since anything can happen, why not imagine the best-case scenario? In most cases, the odds are leaning that way anyway.

Focusing on the worst-case scenario shuts off creative resources, causes unnecessary stress, and makes it harder to ask for what you want. It lowers your aspiration level and will throw you off balance during your negotiation.  But what are you afraid of anyway?

If you are like most people, you have one of the 3 big Fears – and they are fairly predictable:

• Fear of Rejection,
• Fear of Repercussions or punishment
• Fear of being Unprepared.

Since these are predictable and common fears, be smart and deal with them before you need them. Practice asking for little things and dealing with these fears before you have to tackle a big negotiation. When the time comes to ask for something or negotiate, you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Fear of Rejection

Rejection happens to everybody at some point and it can be harsh. It makes people feel unacceptable, not good enough or undeserving. It can be embarrassing.

Fear of rejection is often unfounded. You can’t always predict what the other side in a negotiation wants or needs. If nothing else, ask! It can open the door to negotiation and discussion.

This fear also reveals possible self-esteem issues that you may want to address before you ask. Low self-esteem can cause you to lower your aspiration level and you will likely leave good value on the table. Clear this fear and start aiming higher!

A good way to test for a self-esteem issue is to ask, “How would I handle this differently if I were asking or negotiating for someone I love or for work?” If you would work harder for someone else than you would on your own behalf, figure out why and change your mind about it.

Fear of repercussions/punishment

I recently worked with a client who was in the middle of changing jobs. He had applied for jobs within his company and his superiors kept asking for more time. Eventually, he had to find out where he stood with them so that he could decide whether or not to apply for a job outside of his current company.

Even though he was a star employee, he was afraid to ask. He thought that he would appear to be pushing too hard. He worried they might fire him. After he finally got the information he needed, he applied for outside jobs and was immediately hired by another company.

This fear comes up often for women because they are taught to put other people’s needs first. They are taught not to “rock the boat” by advocating on their own behalf – as if it is wrong or bad to ask.

In addition, women place a higher value on maintaining a good relationship and tend to go to greater lengths to preserve a peaceful interaction. They don’t want to ruin good relationships by asking for too much. A really good reference for this is a book called “Women Don’t Ask” by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever

Another repercussion that comes up for most people is the threat of confrontation and the possibility of an angry exchange. In fact, any high emotion in negotiation scares people. Fortunately, if you think about your negotiation ahead of time and do your research, you will be able to predict many of the emotions that are likely to occur in negotiation.

Unprepared

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Preparation is an easy thing to do and always yields great results. If you feel unprepared, you might be – and that can be scary! In fact, many of the fears that “dog” people in the middle of the night are the result of not preparing.

Remember, to take time before your negotiation or “asking” to be sure that you are mentally organized:

• Know what you want
• Do your research and know who you are negotiating with and what you are talking about
• Know and be able to explain how saying “Yes!” to you will benefit the other side (in the short term and/or in the long term)
• Have a bottom line – know when to walk away
• Have a Plan B if you need one – your Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement (BATNA)
• Have faith in the future!

What else can you do about late night worrying?

Address Fears early in your negotiation preparation. If you wait until the day before you have to negotiate, you will have to deal with the fear under time pressure. It’s easier to sort things out when you have the time to do it.

When you find yourself thinking of the worst-case scenario, let the movie play out and make sure you get past the scary part. Figure out how you would handle that scenario. You will likely realize that you will (at least eventually) be OK.

One way to really take the fear out of a pending negotiation is to Tap while you talk through that worst-case scenario.  You can do it alone or with a friend.  It works either way.  Click here for a great explanation of Tapping.

Chances are, your actual negotiation (or asking) outcome will be somewhere in between your worst-case scenario and your best-case scenario. Ask yourself, “What else can happen?” “What are the odds of this working out for me?” “How can I tip those odds in my favor?”

Finally, as a last resort, there is always my favorite: The AFI Technique. It stands for “Aw F@*k It”. When you have no more time, when you have done everything you can do, try this. Not only will you relax, but you may improve your chances of success!

I have a friend who was referred by another friend for a job that she felt was way over her head. She was nervous and fretted for days before finally trying the AFI Technique. Much to her surprise, they loved her. She got the job and has been very good at it – and to this day she credits the AFI technique with her interview success.

Cheers and Happy Negotiating!

Nancy Hand, JD, NLPT