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Got class?

Today I read an article about a scientific study showing that high social status makes people more trusting. It brought to mind several other resources I had seen on status and authority – so I went digging. It turns out that there are more than a few ways that high social status creates authority in communication and negotiation. Of course, authority in negotiation can be achieved in so many ways – seniority, education, rank within an organization, physical stature and attractiveness…but high social status? How can you even quantify that? It’s relative.

But wait! We don’t have social classes in America, do we? It’s debatable. When social scientists talk about class, there are many variables – education, income, childhood socioeconomic circumstances, rank, etc….And these variables will also change according to self-esteem and geographical location. In other words, when a high status individual from a small town encounters a high status individual from a larger town, who defers? Who gets to be the big fish?

What is never debatable is that great rapport leads to great communication and negotiation. Every little bit of rapport skill helps. Every bit of information and understanding of other people helps. And while the perception of social status is largely subjective, it still influences the way you relate to people whom you perceive to be of higher or lower status. Isn’t it better to understand how someone may be relating to you (or you to others) because of perceived class differences?

Class and status are getting more scientific attention right now. This is probably because the current job market is creating situations in which people of different age groups, cultures, and socioeconomic backgrounds are working together more closely than ever. Differences in values can create serious problems in decision making and the chain of command, especially when so many people are losing status and taking jobs that are beneath their previous employment. As attorneys and negotiators, you regularly encounter people from a variety of social backgrounds. You can take advantage of these new scientific findings to build better relationships with clients and negotiation partners.

Keep in mind that the scientific research findings are by no means definitive. People are ever changing. However, the science of status can help you to understand a little bit more about yourself and the people around you. Understanding the social class structure may also become a useful tool developing even deeper rapport with people.

Here is a glimpse of some of the research being published on the subject of social status….

When someone believes that they are of higher status than the other person, they are likely to:

• Be more trusting of the other person.
• Being trusting, in turn, will make them a better lie detector.
• Pay less attention to the the other person and be less generous toward them than they would someone of equal or higher social status.
• Value curiosity, self-expression, independent thinking, tolerance of differences, happiness, self-control, trust, and consideration of others.

If someone is upper class, they might have trouble recognizing the emotions of others. They are more self-sufficient and do not need to rely on the help of others or bother establishing rapport. In addition, upper class people have a tendency to be distracted during conversations with people whom they perceive to be of a lower class. They are more likely to fidget, doodle, and gaze around the room during conversation.

When someone believes that they are of lower status, they are likely to:

• Respond faster to someone of higher status than they would to someone of equal or lower status.
• Make eye contact, nod their head in conversation.
• Be eager to establish rapport – because they may be accustomed to seeking support.
• Have difficulty leading others.
• Abuse power.
• Value obedience, strong punishment of deviant behaviors, strict leadership, the belief that people are basically untrustworthy, and blind respect for authority.

These are just a few of the class tendencies I uncovered in a short amount of time. There is certainly a wealth of information regarding status – social and otherwise – that can be tapped to create better rapport and therefore better negotiated deals. Look into it on your own. Discover your class and make adjustments so that you can more easily communicate with other people of higher or lower class.

Here are a few resources for discovering and managing the perception of your status – whatever it is….

Class – A Guide Through The American Status System by Paul Fussell. I read this book a long time ago, (it came out in 1983) and this guy minces no words. It is a witty, on-the-mark, sometimes scathing assessment of American culture. It’s pretty funny too. Some of it is a bit dated now but definitely worth a read. Also, this book is still hitting nerves, and it is quite fun and informative to read the reviews on Amazon and other websites.

Class Matters - This is a very thorough special section done by the New York Times in 2005. It is current and even goes into details of class division such as health, longevity, marriage, education, etc….

People Like Us – a PBS movie and interactive website with a quiz!

That should be enough to keep you all busy for a while. If you are a real zealot, I have references for the information in this post. Email me and I’ll hook you up.

Have a great weekend, and let me know how you use this information!

Nancy

It’s been a great spring here at Negotiation Ninja and now Memorial Day is upon us.  Time with family and friends is always the perfect time to enhance your negotiation skills by practicing on people who will probably love you anyway.

Here is a useful little tidbit to play with this holiday weekend… This information is powerful and will help you navigate the many power and control issues that inevitably arise when families get together…

The Study

This relatively simple study has articulated what many seasoned negotiators know instinctively.  Now you can put this knowledge to work for you in life and in negotiation.

Researchers have discovered that two types of control – power and personal choice – are interchangeable [i].

The researchers found that if someone is satisfied with the amount of control they have over their own circumstances, and have choices and options, they do not seek to exert power over other people.  And why would they?

Choice

People with an array of personal choices and the ability to control their own destiny are probably too happy to care about pushing other people around.  They have little reason to exert power and control over other people.

Power

Conversely, someone who is deprived of choice, options, and control over their own circumstances will attempt to exert power over others.  This, of course, makes perfect sense.  Someone who has no choices, no options, and lives life according to someone else’s rules would likely feel cornered and seek to exert power and control over anything.

Another caveat is that the idea of “choice” is subjective.  Keep in mind that while many options might be available to someone, they might not be the “right” options and therefore cause a power scramble.

What comes to mind is a boss, politician or leader – they have different options while in office than out of office/position.  If those options prove to be unsatisfying, they might begin to abuse the power they DO have.

Effects

The study also found that people who felt like they had less (or no) power would go to great lengths, spend more time, travel further, and make greater sacrifices in order to gain more options.  Marketers and sales representatives play on this all of the time and now we know exactly what they are doing – and can use it too.

People, especially those with little want options.  They are looking for choices. This makes it easier for you to introduce them.

How to use this information

Know Thyself

How about you? Take some time and identify areas of your life in which you feel like you have plenty of options and choices and those in which you do not.

Assess areas of your life in which you feel the need to (or just daydream about) exert power over others. Can you imagine options or choices that would allow you to release the need or desire to exert power over others?

Knowing these things about yourself will make it more difficult for other people to exploit them as “chinks in your armor” during negotiation.  It will help you to identify some of the beliefs that can lead to behaviors that are detrimental to negotiation – like the need for power and ego-driven decisions.

It will also give you an opportunity to open up options in areas in which you feel relatively powerless and release the unnecessary stress that accompanies the ongoing need to accumulate power and exert it over other people.

Know Others

This new understanding sheds some light on why people grasp for power – and it is really useful information for negotiation.  If people have options, they do not seek to assert power over others.  If they are deprived of options, they do.  It would seem that options are more important than power.

Knowing this, if you experience a power monger in negotiation, you have an idea where that behavior might be coming from.  They may be grasping for power because of a perceived lack of options in some aspect of the negotiation.  It’s a clue for you to investigate.

It might signal that you are their only (or best) option.  It might signal that the deal is a make-or-break one for their company.

Get Creative!

Wake up your creative mind – your whole brain – and come up with some options!

Knowing how to access your creativity AND activate other people toward new solutions is a huge asset in negotiation. Oftentimes you get so mired down in the particulars of a negotiation (even those at the dinner table!) that you lose the focus on interests and solutions.

When power struggles show up in negotiation, use your creative mind to design novel approaches to problems and open up new potential solutions.  You might even be able to prevent impasse or other fear/ego/no-choices driven power struggles at the negotiation table.

How?  Rapport. Questions.

Introducing options to a power-driven negotiation partner can be tricky.  It has to be done in a way that doesn’t threaten their perceived power in any way.  Rapport skills are the key.

In order to find those options, you will likely need more information.  In order to get that new information in a way that doesn’t seem like an interrogation you need good rapport skills (more on that later).

If you are new to the art of rapport and want to get started learning more, here are two of my favorite books on the subject:

“The Magic Of Rapport” by Jerry Richardson.

“How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.

In order to prompt creativity and introduce new solutions without seeming to take away power from your negotiation partner, you will also need to know how to ask open-ended questions that identify the interests of the other party.

Open-ended questions encourage discussion because they cannot readily be answered with one word or phrase.  They get the conversation going.  Here are a few examples of open-ended questions that can help you to get the information you need in order to introduce new options to a power-hungry negotiation partner…

“What is the most important aspect of ____ from your point of view?”

“What would happen if_____…?”

“How did you decide to_____…?”

“Can you please explain the process for_____…?”

“How did you get involved in____…?”

“What prompted you to seek our services?”

“How would your situation be different if_____…?”

My upcoming book, Super Learning Secrets, is full of innovative and easy ways to tap into your creative abilities. In the meantime try using the questioning methods and see what happens.  You will be surprised how well they work!

So go forth into the weekend and try some of this new knowledge.  See if you can’t be the person that keeps the holiday running smoothly!

Happy Memorial Day (in the U.S.)

Nancy

How can you negotiate well with someone you don’t like?

How can an attorney still do a good job when they have emotionally turned against their client?

This question has been on my mind since watching one of those cooking competition shows the other day. The last two contenders couldn’t have been more different.

One was calm, professional, focused, and quiet – and working, literally, one handed because of an injury.  The other was an obnoxious showboat – an inconsiderate bully with a holier than thou spiel about fatherhood.

Even the judges were rolling their eyes about the latter.  You couldn’t help but pull for the valiant, one-handed contestant.  I found myself not only wanting to see the one-handed contestant win but also hoping to see the other guy lose…

The obnoxious guy won though.  They do that sometimes.

Afterwards I couldn’t help thinking about the people who will run across that guy in negotiations.  He’s out there and he certainly negotiates.  How would you handle a negotiation with him?

With people like that, negotiation is a game and they will likely use tried and true bully techniques and verbal attacks – we’ll talk more about that next week.

Most seasoned mediators and negotiators could handle a guy like that.  They know how to handle difficult people, but what about despicable people?  Sometimes you have to negotiate with them too!

What about the REAL jerks?

Tree at Toomers the morning after winning National Championship

Tree at Toomer's getting rolled after winning National Championship

For example…

So far three attorneys have withdrawn from representing Harvey Updyke Jr. a/k/a “Al From Dadeville”.  He’s the University of Alabama fan who bragged about poisoning the two beautiful, 130 year old live oak trees that anchor Auburn University’s victory tradition.

On a radio show in January 2011, he admitted to poisoning the trees in November – and was pleased with himself for doing so.  Still unrepentant, when he was released on bail, he gave the TV cameramen the “bird”.

Conflicts of interest were cited in every attorney withdrawal.  It makes sense because, here in Alabama, it’s hard to avoid affiliation with one school or the other.  Not to mention that representing this guy could seriously jeopardize an Alabaman’s law practice and reputation.

John Carroll, dean of the Cumberland School of Law at Samford University, commented that three withdrawals in a row seemed excessive.  He further noted. “It’s not only whether or not you have an actual conflict of interest; it’s also whether you and the client can get along.”

So even if they bring in counsel from another state, one with no affiliations with either school, that counsel will still be dealing with a difficult, unlikable client.  They will still be dealing with an unrepentant tree killer who flips off the press…

Legal representation is often one, long negotiation between attorney and client.  They work closely together and need to communicate well.  How can you negotiate well with someone you don’t like – or worse, find despicable?  Here are a few ways that come to mind:

Look for something, anything in the other person that you can congruently like, respect, appreciate or commend.

In his book “Infuence: The Psychology Of Persuasion”, Dr. Cialdini talks about the power of “Liking”.  Indeed, it is a very powerful negotiation and rapport tool.  Most people think that it means getting them to like you.  While that certainly helps, liking the other person can be even more powerful as a negotiation tool.  It disarms the other party and validates their need to be liked and appreciated.

Everybody has something good going on in his or her personality or life.  Even if you can’t see it, even if it happened a long time ago, everyone has done something positive.

Maybe they are a good parent.  Maybe they are good at their work.  Maybe they are active in some community effort.  Maybe they just haven’t caused as much trouble as they could have (this is almost always the case!).

If you can find just one positive thing to focus on, you will begin to elicit better behaviors from the person with whom you are negotiating.  If you have ever had to pull a frayed shoelace through a grommet by one single thread, you have the general idea.  Find that one thing and work it until you sense a shift in attitude.

If you can’t do that, try this:  Unconditional Acceptance.

Years ago my acting professor said that good theater helped people to “willingly suspend their perception of reality” so that they could fully experience the fantasy of good theater.  Life can be pretty good theater that can sometimes benefit from a “willing suspension of reality”… When nothing else works, that reality suspension can help you get the job done.

The late, great humanist Dr. Carl Rogers advocated using Unconditional Positive Regard to help patients express themselves more fully during therapy.  He encouraged therapists to unconditionally accept and support their patients, regardless of what the person said or did.  In other words he encouraged them to accept the patient and suspend judgment about the patient’s value or worth as a person.

Dr. Carl Rogers

Unconditional Positive Regard creates an environment that helps people take responsibility for their actions and grow emotionally.  Basically, it’s about accepting and valuing a person despite any perceived failings – always keeping in mind that there is good in everyone.

This is a very powerful negotiation tool!

The positive regard part might be hard for most mortals, so acceptance seems an easier route.  What that entails is accepting the person for who they are and accepting that their act was congruent with their personality.

When you use unconditional acceptance with someone (a coworker, negotiation partner, client) you tacitly give them permission to drop any façade they may be using and reveal their true feelings in a safe environment.  You validate their experience and help them to feel more comfortable sharing information with you.

In the case of bullies, jerks, and Al From Dadeville, it may open the door to some of their more redeeming qualities.  Finding and focusing on those better qualities can help an attorney or negotiator willingly do their job – and do a better job.

Try these techniques over the weekend and let me know the results!

How do the people around you react to you differently when you actively suspend judgment (even about small stuff) and accept them without condition?

Happy Friday and Happy Negotiating!

Nancy

“All you have to do is ask.” “You should have just asked!”

“It can’t hurt to ask…”

The truth is, a lot of people are afraid to ask! How can you get what you want if you can’t even ask?

Not long ago I overheard a conversation at the airport. Girl A told Girl B that she had just made a difficult phone call. Girl A was apparently a graduate student. She explained to Girl B that one of her professors had arranged for his wife to teach her how to cook a special Thai dish. He gave her the phone number and told her that his wife was expecting her call. She said it took her 2 weeks to get up the nerve to call a stranger.

2 weeks!

I know people who would never hesitate to pick up the phone and call the Pope – and they might even get through to him. I know other people who would rather go hungry than send a dish back to the kitchen at a restaurant.

Most people fall somewhere in the middle. Indeed, some questions are easier to ask. “Will you marry me?” is a lot harder than asking for a hotel room up-grade.

You have To Ask

You are constantly asking for what you want or need. It is how you navigate life. It’s how everyone navigates life. And since most people are preoccupied with their own lives, you usually have to ask for what you want.

Really, how many treats would your dog get if he didn’t ask? But dogs ask!

In fact, they sniff out what they want, and then they are “dogged”; they “hound” you and “dog” you until they get what they want. What keeps people from being more like dogs?

3 Things That Keep You From Asking.

Have you ever lay awake in bed with a “worst-case scenario” movie running rampant in your mind? Those vivid, internal movies will repeat over and over until sleep is impossible.

It’s Negative Fortune Telling. When you focus on the worst-case scenario, you prepare for it.

Can you imagine what would happen to an Olympic athlete who stayed up late the night before competition envisioning failure? They would NOT want to compete the next day!  And if they did compete, do you think they would do very well?

In truth, anything could happen. None of us is qualified to predict the future. Since anything can happen, why not imagine the best-case scenario? In most cases, the odds are leaning that way anyway.

Focusing on the worst-case scenario shuts off creative resources, causes unnecessary stress, and makes it harder to ask for what you want. It lowers your aspiration level and will throw you off balance during your negotiation.  But what are you afraid of anyway?

If you are like most people, you have one of the 3 big Fears – and they are fairly predictable:

• Fear of Rejection,
• Fear of Repercussions or punishment
• Fear of being Unprepared.

Since these are predictable and common fears, be smart and deal with them before you need them. Practice asking for little things and dealing with these fears before you have to tackle a big negotiation. When the time comes to ask for something or negotiate, you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Fear of Rejection

Rejection happens to everybody at some point and it can be harsh. It makes people feel unacceptable, not good enough or undeserving. It can be embarrassing.

Fear of rejection is often unfounded. You can’t always predict what the other side in a negotiation wants or needs. If nothing else, ask! It can open the door to negotiation and discussion.

This fear also reveals possible self-esteem issues that you may want to address before you ask. Low self-esteem can cause you to lower your aspiration level and you will likely leave good value on the table. Clear this fear and start aiming higher!

A good way to test for a self-esteem issue is to ask, “How would I handle this differently if I were asking or negotiating for someone I love or for work?” If you would work harder for someone else than you would on your own behalf, figure out why and change your mind about it.

Fear of repercussions/punishment

I recently worked with a client who was in the middle of changing jobs. He had applied for jobs within his company and his superiors kept asking for more time. Eventually, he had to find out where he stood with them so that he could decide whether or not to apply for a job outside of his current company.

Even though he was a star employee, he was afraid to ask. He thought that he would appear to be pushing too hard. He worried they might fire him. After he finally got the information he needed, he applied for outside jobs and was immediately hired by another company.

This fear comes up often for women because they are taught to put other people’s needs first. They are taught not to “rock the boat” by advocating on their own behalf – as if it is wrong or bad to ask.

In addition, women place a higher value on maintaining a good relationship and tend to go to greater lengths to preserve a peaceful interaction. They don’t want to ruin good relationships by asking for too much. A really good reference for this is a book called “Women Don’t Ask” by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever

Another repercussion that comes up for most people is the threat of confrontation and the possibility of an angry exchange. In fact, any high emotion in negotiation scares people. Fortunately, if you think about your negotiation ahead of time and do your research, you will be able to predict many of the emotions that are likely to occur in negotiation.

Unprepared

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Preparation is an easy thing to do and always yields great results. If you feel unprepared, you might be – and that can be scary! In fact, many of the fears that “dog” people in the middle of the night are the result of not preparing.

Remember, to take time before your negotiation or “asking” to be sure that you are mentally organized:

• Know what you want
• Do your research and know who you are negotiating with and what you are talking about
• Know and be able to explain how saying “Yes!” to you will benefit the other side (in the short term and/or in the long term)
• Have a bottom line – know when to walk away
• Have a Plan B if you need one – your Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement (BATNA)
• Have faith in the future!

What else can you do about late night worrying?

Address Fears early in your negotiation preparation. If you wait until the day before you have to negotiate, you will have to deal with the fear under time pressure. It’s easier to sort things out when you have the time to do it.

When you find yourself thinking of the worst-case scenario, let the movie play out and make sure you get past the scary part. Figure out how you would handle that scenario. You will likely realize that you will (at least eventually) be OK.

One way to really take the fear out of a pending negotiation is to Tap while you talk through that worst-case scenario.  You can do it alone or with a friend.  It works either way.  Click here for a great explanation of Tapping.

Chances are, your actual negotiation (or asking) outcome will be somewhere in between your worst-case scenario and your best-case scenario. Ask yourself, “What else can happen?” “What are the odds of this working out for me?” “How can I tip those odds in my favor?”

Finally, as a last resort, there is always my favorite: The AFI Technique. It stands for “Aw F@*k It”. When you have no more time, when you have done everything you can do, try this. Not only will you relax, but you may improve your chances of success!

I have a friend who was referred by another friend for a job that she felt was way over her head. She was nervous and fretted for days before finally trying the AFI Technique. Much to her surprise, they loved her. She got the job and has been very good at it – and to this day she credits the AFI technique with her interview success.

Cheers and Happy Negotiating!

Nancy Hand, JD, NLPT

Surprise!  Even educated, powerful women attorneys have trouble advocating on their behalf!

Recent surveys show that women are still being paid far less than their male counterparts (about 74%!) and they are mad about it – rightly so!  It turns out that it’s usually not because of productivity or level of quality in their work, it has to do with the culture and the fact that women are in a double bind when it comes to negotiating on their own behalf.

Get Your 100%!

Change starts with the person and that’s what Negotiation Ninja classes and coaching are all about.  Those statistics need not apply to YOU!  Learn to change the game from the inside out and reap the benefits of being paid fairly for your hard work.

Negotiation Ninja classes and coaching can help you tweak your communication and negotiation style to get more rewards out of your legal career!

Contact Negotiation Ninja today for your free consultation

Nancy T. Hand, JD, NLP Trainer, EFT-ADV

nancy@negotiationninja.com

334.524.8437

6.4.10

Lately I’ve been thinking about the power of having done something once – even better if you did it well.  Doing something once creates familiarity with the act.  It is a rehearsal.  The next time you do it, you feel confident and trust your abilities more.

I’ve been a negotiator my whole life (with family, friends, bosses, professors…).  It comes naturally to me.  It comes naturally to most people – it just gets “taught out” by parents, school, and culture.  We don’t really need to learn to be negotiators; we need to unlearn how “not to be a negotiator”!

Nothing is as exciting as negotiating for something with purpose and succeeding beyond your own expectations.

This is an account of one of my earliest and most textbook negotiations… I consciously negotiated and unconsciously used the “walk away” tactic.

Having done “the walk-away” once, successfully albeit clumsily and “by accident”, gave me the confidence to try the tactic again and to enjoy it as research.  I learned how to use it as a useful tool.

The Carved Box

When I was living in New Orleans some friends came to visit and we discovered this little store near the French Market.  It looked small from the outside but it was very deep and long – it seemed to go on and on.  It was filled with trinkets from yesteryear, like a New Orleans keepsake time capsule.

We had a great few minutes in there – laughing about this and that, like the old flash bars for Polaroid cameras that had been out of production for over a decade and kitschy souvenirs from the 1970s…this store was packed with that sort of stuff.  The further back you went, the more random it got.

It was funny, so funny that I went back with a friend about a month later.

That’s when I saw the carved box…

In the very dark back of the store, there were a few big shelves packed with broken or unwrapped merchandise crammed together and even more stuff crammed underneath them on the floor.

On the floor I saw the corner of a carved box poking out from the rubble and thought that it looked pretty good.  I figured since it was being treated like trash, it should be pretty cheap.  I was in law school and not exactly ‘rollin in dough’ so I estimated $25 or so would be fair.

When the manager (the store was run by 3 Middle Eastern men) moved it out into the aisle, I saw that it was a truly beautiful chest.

It was heavy, rough-hewn and deeply carved with giant flowers on the top and on each side.  He said that it was Brazilian and carved from some exotic wood – I can’t remember what…I didn’t care – I was smitten!

I asked him how much it was and he said $90!  Taken aback, I said that I was thinking maybe $25.  He was visibly surprised and said “No way.”  I looked at the box again and said (and it was true) that I only had $40 to spend.  He said “No way.”

There wasn’t really anything left to do at that point.  I shook his hand, thanked him for his time, and we left (I now know that there are good reasons not to linger at the scene of an “impasse” purchase negotiation of this kind).

It was a long walk to the door, so he must have had enough time to think about it.  As I opened the door, he yelled to me “Ok, ok, $40.”  I was thrilled but tried to play it cool…

He got the box and it started to rain – hard, white, monsoony New Orleans rain. We were parked far away, and I asked if we could leave the box (it was heavy) and bring the car around.  He said that it was fine, and we reached the payment phase…

His face fell when he saw my credit card.  Then he got mad! “You are paying with credit card?!”  I said yes.  He said that he thought I had cash.  Unfamiliar with the process etiquette, I said, “You didn’t ask me how I was paying.”  He grudgingly (flanked by the other two who were giving me some pretty mean looks) rang me up.

On a hunch, I decided that leaving the box there was a bad idea since it probably wouldn’t be there when we returned.

I carried the box through the pouring rain and was absolutely soaked (but happy) when we got to the car.   It must be special wood because the rain didn’t phase it!

The Carved Box

It became my “hurricane box” in New Orleans (full of important things like my passport, birth certificate, data backups etc…).  Today it is in front of the fireplace in our living room.  I still love it and appreciate it every day.

It was the first time I really negotiated for something – on purpose but using tactics “accidentally”.  I didn’t know what I was doing, and it still worked!  The tactic worked because it came naturally.

Sure, there are many things you can learn to become a better negotiator, but almost as important and maybe even more important is unlearning the habits, beliefs, and mindset that keep you from being the best negotiator you can be.

The first thing Negotiation Ninja training participants and coaching clients learn is how to change the limiting beliefs and erroneous information they have about negotiation.  We clean the slate right away so that clients and training participants can learn – and put to immediate, effective use – new knowledge and skills that yield predictable, repeatable negotiation results (wins!).

Call or email Negotiation Ninja today to discover and uncover your natural negotiation abilities and turbo-charge them!

Alabama lawyers – look for upcoming CLE classes on “Introduction To Negotiation” and “The Key: Negotiation Preparation” through the Alabama Center For Dispute resolution!

Details will be posted soon!

Cheers!

Nancy T. Hand, JD

Everybody loves a winner.

Funny, it seems like a really arrogant or elitist thing to say but, as my friend just pointed out, it is natural selection.

We are so sophisticated in the way we interpret and act out the most basic of involuntary, evolutionary behaviors that we are almost able to fool ourselves into thinking that we, as thinking humans, are immune to the laws of nature.

And for the most part we are.  Even under great stress some people are able to hold it together and “act like humans”, like when the Titanic went down.  While there are probably better examples out there, quite a few on the Titanic sacrificed their lives to save others.

But let it slip, just a little, and we are back there in the Stone Age – surviving.  Just a little bit of stress or distraction causes normal, relaxed (in this study, probably students) people to begin unconsciously sorting for the winners.

“Psychologists Jane Raymond and Jennifer L. O’Brien of Bangor University in the United Kingdom wanted to investigate how cognitive stress affects rational decision-making. In this study, participants played a simple gambling game in which they earned money by deciding between stimuli — in this case, two pictures of different faces. Once their selection was made, it was immediately clear if they had won, lost, or broken even. Each face was always associated with the same outcome throughout this task. In the next stage of the experiment, the volunteers were shown each face individually and had to indicate whether they had seen those faces before. Sometimes volunteers were distracted during this task while other times they were not.

The results, reported in the current issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, reveal that distractions significantly impact decision-making. When volunteers were not distracted, they tended to excel at recognizing faces that had been highly predictive of either winning or losing outcomes. However, when they were distracted, they only recognized faces that had been associated with winning.”[1]

How else would/could this manifest in everyday life?  How are winners treated differently?  Do they get better service?  Do they get better health care?  Actually, people who are perceived as being powerful and “winners” get better service and health care.  Still, how do you even pin down the attributes?

In my experience, a “winner” has confidence and exudes a sense of peace.  They are generally satisfied with life and congenial in nature.  It takes a lot to make them lose their T.A.T.E.R. (Think About The End Result), because they have unwavering faith in a future beneficial outcome.  It seems to be less about trappings and more about inner strength and calm.  That being the case, someone could be a “winner” in some circumstances and maybe not so much in other circumstances.

Do you feel like a winner? You probably are most of the time!  If you feel like you have some work to do, it’s probably time to adjust your beliefs and mindset.

Look around.  Like attracts like and you probably know quite a few people to whom you confide or ask for advice.  They are calm and stable no matter what is going on.  Start spending some time with them and you might notice that they don’t worry too much about things they can’t control.  They take life in stride and focus on the ultimate goal.  They are honest with themselves and others.

Spend some time with them and take notes.  What can you learn about their behavior or mind-set?  Would you like act/react to things in the way that they do?  Like being calm in the midst of chaos?  Notes are valuable tools for future change work.

You will likely begin to change just from being around winners.  If there are some aspects that you see in them that you would like to add to your own repertoire, write them down as EFT set-ups and tap them in! Click here for the tapping tutorial

Here are some sample set-ups:

Even though I always lose my TATER when things get chaotic, I want to find ways to maintain calm (like Anne does) – no matter what is going on

Even though I’m worried about ________, I want to relax and trust that everything is going to be OK

Even though I’m worried about ________, I want to shift my focus to my best-case scenario and lock on to it

Note: Tater is a word I have been using for years.  It started because of an old friend who always uses the term “lose your tater”.  The funny thing is that even people who have never heard the term know what I am talking about when I say it.  I Googled it and discovered that the basis of the term comes from a country saying, “Root hog or lose your tater” or, rather, “better keep moving, keep seeking, keep digging or you’ll lose your potato to someone else”.

I’ve altered it slightly to Think About The End Result (T.A.T.E.R.).  It’s basically the same message – keep going, keep digging, keep working, keep living – and keep your focus on the goal, your best-case scenario, the end result that you want.

Stay on your TATER and enjoy!

Nancy T. Hand

It’s called Gelotophobia…No, it’s not the fear of Italian ice cream – it’s the fear of being laughed at.

Not just that, it affects an estimated 14% of Americans!

It’s fun to laugh, but not so much fun when the joke is on you.  Anyone who has been laughed at can tell you, it is harsh.  When it is something accidental and stupid, it can be humiliating.

When it reflects or confirms a suspected flaw – and the laughee(?) is already laughing at themselves on the inside – it can leave scars.  If someone from the outside exposes that flaw, and laughs – it leaves the person feeling being stripped, exposed, and vulnerable.

That is the stuff of naked nightmares and tense teen movie scenes.  Who wouldn’t be afraid of being laughed at?

According to a recent study led by a team from the University of Zurich that involved over 73 countries, the fear of being laughed at is likely universal.  It varies in intensity and people generally fall into one of two categories:

People who have an “insecurity reaction” and try to hide their fear of being laughed at from others and people who have an “avoidance” reaction and just try to avoid interactions altogether.

Those with the avoidance reaction were more likely to think that when people laughed near them they were laughing AT them.

Gelotophobia is believed to stem from shame and low self-esteem.  It may be connected to early childhood experiences and traumas involving ridicule and bullying and can even be triggered by a traumatic (including bullying) event in adulthood.

Here are a few highlights from the assessment on the online research site www.gelotophobia.org:

Do you avoid social situations to avoid being laughed at or ridiculed?

Do you feel people around you bully you?

Do you worry that other people think you do not engage with them in a warm, friendly way and think you are humourless?

Do you find it hard to know what to say to people in a natural way?

Do you have low self-esteem due to your feeling incompetent in social situations?

When people are talking and laughing, can you feel your body getting tense?

Would you describe yourself as rigid rather than spontaneous?

Do you worry that other people think you are ridiculous?

After a social event, do you feel you have appeared ridiculous and worry about it?

So what does any of this have to do with negotiation?  Well, a few things came to mind as I was considering this study…

The first is, obviously, be careful how you use humor in negotiation.  Done correctly, it can be a wonderful ice breaker and a nice way to find common ground with the people on the other side the table.  Done clumsily it can backfire in extreme ways.

Certainly any gelotophobic responses (in varying degrees, of course) could be amplified during stressful situations.  Since most negotiation situations are likely to be stressful for someone at the table, try to stick to gentle, slightly self-deprecating humor – joke about your love of coffee or having to do the crossword every morning…

The second is, if you have any of the gelotphobic traits active in you, now is a great time to clear them!  Negotiation situations are often a forum for tactics – and intimidation a/k/a/ bullying is one of the oldest tricks in the book.  If you can’t handle being bullied, you might be in trouble!

The good news is, there are many different ways to handle phobias and fears.  One of the easiest ones is Meridian Therapy (Emotional Freedom Technique, Thought Field Therapy, Energy Tapping…).  You can do it on your own.

The next time you find yourself preparing for a situation like public speaking or salary negotiations and you are worried about possible ridicule (even though you know it isn’t logical to worry about that) – go through this process while tapping your Meridian points (see end of post for points)

I’m afraid to do this because _________(they will laugh at me)

I’m afraid they will laugh at me because __________(I am so nervous)

I’m so nervous because __________(I don’t do this very often – I avoid it)

I avoid doing this because__________(I’ve never done this before) or (last time I screwed it up)

This is a quick way to get to the bottom of things and can be done anywhere.  Keep going until you get to the root and then keep at it until you can envision the situation without fear and worry.  Then put it down for a while and check again later to see if anything more needs to be cleared.

Talking your fears out while tapping and rehearsing the situation in your mind beforehand will give you more insight into your own mindset and help you de-activate some of the potential “buttons” that could be pushed by the other party.

Here is a list of the Meridian points I use most often in my practice:

TH – Top of head

EB – inner eyebrow, on the bone

OE – outside eyebrow, on the bone

UE – under eye, on the bone

UL – just above the upper lip

CH – between chin and bottom lip

CB – collarbone

R – rib cage under the arm, parallel with chest

KC – “karate chop” point on the outside of the hand