We negotiate all of the time. Outside of a structured negotiation most people do not have a clear idea of their desired outcome and the person with the clear idea of what they want often prevails. However, during the holidays almost everyone has a clear idea of what they want and it’s all backed up by emotions.
To show you how little things can escalate I’m going to tell you about my hypothetical friends – Nick and Holly Jolly.
Holly Jolly has been dreaming of a “real” Christmas for years – one like the Christmases from her childhood in rural Oregon. She wants a real tree for once, not the metal one Nick exhumes from the attic every year. That tree just makes her mad and reminds her of her lack of power when it comes to this particular annual argument. Nick always wins, and Holly always loses, except for that one year without any tree at all. For Holly, Christmas is always kind of a sad time without the smells and atmosphere of a real tree. Well, this year Holly is putting her foot down because the whole family is coming in and she is going to have a real tree this year even if she has to buy it herself.
Nick is a practical man who does sensible things for a living. He has always strived to make Christmas as efficient as possible. Why waste valuable time and money on what will inevitably be a mess, a daily water chore (for him), and a seven-foot fire hazard within the week? Didn’t Holly remember that his childhood neighbors lost their house to a Christmas tree? And besides, the last thing anyone wants to hear all Christmas long is Holly’s cousin harping on about the senseless murder of trees. Nick hopes Holly won’t be so disagreeable this Christmas with all the family in. He can never quite figure out why Holly gets so grumpy at Christmas time…
The Jolly’s are experiencing a fairly common seasonal issue that has the potential, this year, to become a much bigger issue due to the importance of this particular holiday to Holly. An old argument is finally reaching a tipping point – how can the Jolly’s forge a solution and stand together as a powerful team during the holidays as opposed to suffering mild – severe alienation over what appears to be trivial decision?
Holly’s Planning:
Her best-case scenario (BCS):
To enjoy a “real” Christmas with her family and to maintain the otherwise harmonious and happy marriage that she and Nick enjoy…A real Christmas = real tree
She hopes Nick will, because of the special family gathering, agree to the indoor cut tree and help her put it up in the house.
BCS variation:
Holly decides that maybe a potted tree wouldn’t be SO bad, but a cut tree would be even better. She decides to see what she can get from Nick.
Limitations: Time and Money
Her possible concessions:
- Water tree
- Buy tree
- Buy new fire extinguisher to put next to tree
- Skip her annual girls lunch and help Nick put lights in yard
- She won’t make him go Christmas shopping this year
What she wants from Nick:
- Christmas spirit and a real Christmas
- Put the tree inside
- An easy negotiation that sets a precedent for a harmonious holiday
- For him to relax about the fire hazard thing
- For him to enjoy the holiday!
Holly’s expectations:
She’s determined, hopeful, but still doubtful. She still kind of expects an argument and knows that it would set a negative tone for her holiday. She’s beginning to suspect there might be a deeper issue… but how can she discover it?
Q: How can Holly discover the “real” reason Nick is so against live trees (in a way that won’t make him lose face because of fears)?
Holly plans the time and place very carefully, establishes rapport and makes sure that Nick is in a good mood and has a full belly of his favorite chocolate chip cookies before she approaches the subject of the tree.
Nick’s Planning:
Nick’s BCS: “real” Christmas = efficient use of time, extra $, safety. He wants Holly to enjoy the holidays, especially with the whole family coming.
He also knows that extra people in the house, including kids, means more people he would have to “police” around a live Christmas tree. This year he is even more certain about using his trusty, fire-retardant Christmas tree. Ah, peace of mind…
Nick has not planned any further because he is sure of the outcome.
Nick’s Expectations:
Nick is expecting the annual argument and is prepared for it. In his mind he was already climbing the attic stairs, just like every year.
Holly always gets quiet and drags around after they put the tree up, but she usually gets better after a while…After all, he’s sure that this year she’ll agree with him about the importance of using the artificial tree…
Q: How do you think this conversation will go? How can the Jolly’s navigate their way to a win-win?